Missing my Grandma

Last night I sat up crying a lot. I miss her soooo much. I know everyone says it but I wish I had more time. I wish I went to see her more. Its all coming down on me now. I just sit and wonder..... 'Are you ok Grandma? What are you doing? Are you playing cards? Are you talking with all your family and friends? Hows Aunt Fran? Hows your mom and dad? Did Kayla stay a little baby for you to hold in your arms or did she get to grow up? Are the scars gone on your legs now? Are you mad at me for yelling at Vanessa? I have a feeling you would have done the same. Are you happy I am talking to Pam? I feel you would have wanted it that way. I gave shawn his baseball cards, that's kinda weird you hid them all those year. You looked so beautiful in your casket I was looking at the pictures the other day. I didn't know if I should take pictures but you took pictures of your mom in her casket so I thought to my self what would grandma do. I didn't think I would be able to make it without you down here. I didn't think I would be able to go on. Sometimes I wish I could be with you but then I think you might need a break from us. I wouldn't blame you if you did. So, Buddy came and joined you about a month after you died. You seemed to like him when others didn't and that made Pam and I wonder why??? Why did you always like the rejects? Why did you like the people no one else did? Is it because you were rejected and given up for adoption by your birth parents? That's the conclusion I came too. Some people wish their loved ones could come back I dont wish that because wishing that would mean you would be in pain. You went through so much hell with your legs I would not want that again. And that last year when your memory started to fail you and the dementia was getting worse, I dont want that back either. I want you to be happy. And I am sure you are happier now than you were when you were here. It sure is not easy down here without you though. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!